Another Red Herring memory. I am secure sharing this because I have grown a lot since then. I can still remember that shy, awkward girl who could barely get a date. How things change…Now I have plenty of men not calling me back!
Hot Dating Tips for the Flirtation-Impaired
Hey Ladies. Ever wondered what all those girls lugging 190 pounds of hot, sexy man-flesh on their arm have that you don’t have? After reading this article, the answer will be: nothing, except for maybe a glitter g-string shaped like a butterfly and lose morals. However, with a little perseverance and hard work, you can have that too, and the man of your dreams!
I know we all long for the days of etiquette classes, when all the enigmatic ins and outs of flirtation would be integrated into a curriculum in the stead of the worthless knowledge that is science, math and spelling. I know that I long for the days when the only education my sex merited was learning how to maintain a flattering posture while carrying a book upon one’s head and curtsying in a way that best displayed one’s heaving bosom to Mr. Darcy. If only modern society provided us liberated women with the skills to appear super DTF with sophistication. Unfortunately, I can’t give you these tools which might have rendered you barefoot and pregnant at sixteen. I can, however, give you the next best thing: the Globerman Guide to Flirting.
Many have tried and failed in describing the subtle blend of feminine wiles that comprise my sex appeal, using words such as: inept, confusing, and “is she having a seizure or is she batting her eyelashes”. I prefer to think of my mojo as a Geisha-esque mastery of the art of seduction. However, this art is no easy task to master. For one, there are several things to remember when flirting. Most important, is never to be yourself. Yourself sits at home in sweatpants with a worn-out crotch, crying at Battlestar Galactica reruns, and farting with the carefree abandon of someone who will die alone. Instead, try acting like a better, more high-maintenance and less moral, you. Do things like talk about your hair, your lack of underpants, and how little you know, like, so little about current events. Due to deeply ingrained hunter-gatherer instincts, men like it when they detect the potential to instruct a woman.
Conversation is also bad for flirtation: how does he expect to fit his dick in your mouth when it’s full of adverbs and conjunctions? Instead of conversing with him, try just laughing at everything he says, regardless if it is a joke or not. This way he will see that you have a great sense of humor and little to offer him besides your body. THAT MEANS SEX GIRLS! When you have no choice but to talk, offer one word, randomized responses: Ex. “Oh, how am I? Morgan Freeman.” By not paying any attention to what he is saying, you will appear aloof and hard to get; and we all know men like a challenge, especially when it refers to a mental challenge!
There is not one, but two crucial elements to flirting: the entrance and the exit. When entering a situation with flirting-potential, it is important to show that you are a confident, independent woman; this way he will be convinced that you are into some pretty progressive shit. Approach him unflinchingly, like you are walking away from a series of high-impact explosions, out of which a series of flaming motorcycles speed forth, impeded only by the fantasy wind-machines that blow back your radiant mane. The maneuver relies on the sort of unbridled confidence gained by a first-year management student after his fifth Yager-bomb, coupled with that earned by Lady Gaga at a drag competition.
As for the exit, make sure to leave before you make a fool of yourself, because knowing you, it’s likely to happen at any minute. Appropriate times to exit the premises include: while he is in mid sentence, while you are in mid-sentence, when he sips his beer, when you sip your beer, when a song comes on that he might want to dance to, and during any suggestive silence that might lead to hand-holding or intercourse. This exit can be accomplished as a dash, a trudge, or even a cower, and might be accompanied by all sorts of mumbled incoherence’s and evasions of eye contact. There is no limit on the variations you can attempt: don’t be afraid to try something new. Remember, guys like it when you shake things up a little.
The beauty of these flirting tips is their diversity; they offer so many ways to give off those craved mixed-signals that will leave him wondering: is it her libido or her mild turrets? Sticking to this advice will provide you with endless COCKed eyebrows, ENGORGED frowns and the STAYING POWER of his general disapproval. Although you might not be able to cross your heels when you walk or crochet a murkin from wool left over post-sheep-shearing, with these tips you will be able to wiggle and giggle your way to a very satisfying love life (though possibly one that involves only one person and a LOT of batteries).
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